deranged_smurf

tbh.

i don't understand.

why you seem gutted.

tis just me after-all.

you confuse me lots

I am in such a state of shock.

I just got offered a modelling job....


me!


ME!

how did that happen!


modelling is for the total stunnin' people with the body everyone wants.
the kinda person people will drool over,

how did this happen to me?

this isb't the sort of thing that's meant to happen to me.

if this works out.

i will get


2500-4000

A MONTH


:|


this better work out.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much.

but I can't hlp it.

I've went into overdrive.

i feel pure shite.

everything just seems to be fuckin right up thenow =/

bleeeeeh

aye, im sorry if this offends anyone.

but it's my opinion.

and surely i'm entitled to that.


was havin' a think earlier on about religion.

but what i think...

there is no heaven, no hell, no god and no devil.

it just seems as though believing in god is a way of getting rid of problems, as though people like to think it's all up to someone or something else.

it just seems like a way of running away.

i think people are terrified to face that we are on our own in this.

totally alone.

no supreme being.

no big guy in the clouds who can fix everything...just...alone.

it terrifies people.
Hod seems to be a way to hife.

and hell and the devil?

that's just a way to scare people into keeping in line.

the Bible contradicts itself so unbelievably much.

yet nobody seems to notice.

It's like...if years and years ago, somebody told a story about a huge guy living in the center of the earth, and he controlled everything...and people wrote books and told everyone else. would people believe it now?

no, they wouldn't.

even though it's just the same.


but yea.

if ive offended you...i'm sorry that you're offended.

but tbh i don't really care.


see, i dont just think about boys =]

what the fuck btw

what is it about me that makes people want to use me and nothing more?

am i that bad?

thing is, im gonna let him use me, even though i've been crying coz of him since i got home about 2 hours ago.

pathetic eh?

guess i'll just carry on pretending i don't care.

i like him too much, pity he can never know just how much.

i hate this whole situation.

it hurts =[


i also hate fucking pathetic people who cant deal with the same problems everyone else has

i also hate attention seekers

i hate that in the next few weeks im gonna drift apart from people

i hate that i barely get invited out anymore

i hate that theres no parties on

i hate that he likes me

i hate that place

i hate that i have to go tell mr macaulay why ive failed

meh

well

i love him

aye


i never update anmore lol
im too lazy

il update
but not goin into too much detail coz im a lazy fucknugget.

my fish died :(

i found out i have a very rich cousin in canada

and im a descendant of the dude who tried to change catholicism

not chuffed about that
i do not like catholics

if you are catholic and take offence to this
get a life

i am entitled to my own opinion
just like you are when you dont like 'sinners'
i just find it funny that catholics are the least christian people of all.

im getting a new phone :)

mines is wankered, totally

i had to look after a class of second years today coz Miss Wilson fucked off :S
wasnt shuffed
and
she ripped my bag
to get my baadge off
coz it was inappropriate ¬_¬

and
i might be getting to do a child care course in collgege

things aint too bad lol

oh and
i thinkg i have dyslexia

lol

ever loved somebody so much it hurt just to think about them?


i can't stand this.

every time i see him
every time he signs on
every time he looks at me
every time we talk.

it hurts like fuck
yet i love it at the same time.

i wish he would stop looking at me
it gives me false hope
he said he doesn't like me that way.

but i can't help but wonder.
if he didn't why would it be that every time i looked at him he's looking back?
why would i be the only person he's slept with without being out with?
why isn't he ashamed to tell people what happened? he just tells everyone

maybe he's just twisted...more than likely

there's no way he'd like me anyway.

part of me wishes nothing had ever happened between me and him
yet the other..the other is happy that it did, and that he's in my life..

i don't understand why i like having him in my life when it only causes hurt.

I told him i like him
yet i couldn't tell him just how much, for fear of scaring him off and losing him completely.

tbh, I don't know how I'd deal with never seeing him again.

yes, i sound so pathetic but i can't help it.

I would actually do anything for him to like be back.

i wish i could tell people to stay away from him, not like completely, just not flirtin' n stuff

but then
that would be selfish
and i'd seem like an utter psycho.

but aye

no point whingin about something that nobody exept about 1 person cares about =/

Ten statements about ten people-- ask me if you want to know


1. stop confusing me :(, its well gettin' me down. I like you too much for that.

2 . I can't fucking believe how stupid you are, seriously.
every time it goes wrong you come runnoing to me and afterwards you say "thankyou, you're right", if you really thought that you wouldn'y do the opposite, even after promising otherwise. you said you were unhappy, you know fine you were, yet you get yourself involved again! i knew you were a pushover but i didn't know you were THAT bad. I can't watch you do it to yourself. you want some one to go talk to about shit. why don't you go to her. yaknow, your "best" friend, the one who fucked you over? and btw. please teach your friends what a private conversation is, they seem to mis-understand the cencept.

3. YOU my frind, take the hint..you've liked me for how long now? 3 years? yet you still try and make a move when i've made it clear i am NOT interested. gtf.

4. you cunt btw..i HATE you. you treat the friend i love most like utter shit and expect to keep her. it worked, but thats not the point. you're an utter fuckwit, i can't count how many times i've wanted to chop off your balls and feed you them through a straw.

5. stop throwing the word love around. just because you really like the person you've been with for the past 2 days that does not mean you love them, it's just the same as you "loved" the last person. and when they dump you you are not heartbroken, you don't even know what love is.

6. i love you to bits. you've turned into the closeest thing i have to a best friend. i don't know what id do without you anymore tbh. loveyou xxxx<3

7. stop talking to me. if i tell you i hate you, it's usually a sign that i HATE you believe it or not, meaning i'd rather not waste my time on you, ta.

8. tbh i think you're stupid for getting involved again. she treated you like shit the first time round n i dont wanna see you go through that. but hey, your life.

9. i trust you more than I do most people, even though i've not known you that long, you really do mean lots to me :) xxxly

10. git fucked, i dont know why you think i care that you hate me, it was a childish reason, so you obv couldnt have thought much of me.

and tbh you aren't as amazing as you seem to think.

I hate you :)
get fucked :)

ta

blarg


the one day i seen him in tesco
it just HAD to be then

im standin there havin a big childish rant at my mum about how they didnt have the right kind of mini hobnobs n i turned round in a huff n crossed my arms only to see Kelso lookin at me...


then to make it worse
whenever we were gonna go down an aisle my mum was like "oh, i wonder if hes down there

better not go down there hes not there"

then she went round a corner n nearly ran him over.

i well wanted to die lmao.


different, but related topic


why do you always look at me
i know you don't like me that way,
so why is it that every time i look round..there you are, looking?
you confuse me so much
it kinda gives me false hope.

i know you're using me, yet i cannot help myself but let you

even though I know I'm gonna end up gettin' hurt quite badly.
I klnow what you've done to other people
yet i'm leting you do worse to me.

I'm so stupid
I know I am
yet I can't stop it. meh.

on a lighter note.


new hair XD

reddy brown n black :)

you fucking wanker btw

if you actually liked me as you said you did,

youn wouldn't be such a shallow prick.

i can't fucking believe you

just because im dyin my hair pink n getitn' more piercins you aint gonna come anywhere near me?

thanks
nice to see clothes and hair colour etc. mean so much

prick

you got my fucking hopes up

just to do this

i like you so damn much

then you do this

I'm gona give up

it's gonna be hard

but so fucking worth it

i don't need yet another prick in my life

hah
amazin day


"i just stood on my testacle"

"the water's goin in my hole!"

"monkey hands..and frozen legs"

lmao


aw i love Pete
and i went shopping

got well amazin stuff
hehe

xxx

pfft

just remembered the story of how i got my razorblade

dunno how could forget that

i should clearly be more mentally scarred than i am haha

fuck!

why am i so fucking stupid


i should have took notice of what happened to my mum
but nooo i fucking know best dont i


i cant stop shaking

i cant stop crying

i cant beieve ive got myself into this fucking mess

im such a fucking idiot

how can i be so obsessed with 2 people


but with you its been a lot longer

about 4 months

you never spoke to me until you were single again
and all of a sudden its big long convos n flirtin

the thing is

i know you don't like me like that

i know you're just wanting to use me

i know im worthless to you

but

i can't help but let you

if you ever wanted anything to happen again

I would let it

just for more memories

you're an utter prick

yet i'd let you use me

im willing to make myself feel cheap and worthless for you

i would do almost anything you asked me to

just because its you


when did i become like this?

i don't know what's happened to me

so THAT'S the only reason you hate me?

if thats why then you couldnt have liked me much in the first place

cunt

you go on about how people should be more mature and then you fall out with somebody for that

a MATURE thing

and then you go bitching about me to everyone and dont even bother telling me you dont like me! VERY mature

well done with that...twat

you didn't even bother to hear my side of the story

maybe you would have if your head wasn't so far up your own arse

face it

you are no better than any other bastard, even though you may think you are.

get off that fucking pedestal of yours or you're in for one big fucking fall.

face it

all you are is a stupid naieve little girl who thinks she knows everything.

face it

you don't!

you sure as hell don't have the right to judge anybody.

you're always telling people to "grow the fuck up"

maybe you should have a good look at yourself.

well
maybe you could do that if your head wasn't shoved up yur rectum

pfft
why does this have to happen to him


he's one of the nicest guys i know

why him?

shove karma up yur arse, it clearly duznae work

if it worked he wouldnt have gone through this shit

it seems to be that if you're an utter cunt you have a perfect life


why is it that whenever im down i think about all the other depressin bollocks ive been through.


think im bein the typical teenager bein depressed about a boy or coz my rents are shoutin at me or coz i want to be pretty?

think again

barely anyone knows this shite

n barely anyone ever will kow it


i just wish i couldd stop thinking about it
i really do

fuck sake!!


i pur my heart out to you about how i feel about him

i even let you read my diary so you know the things i cant say

i tell you how confused i am in all this

i tell you i may have a small chance

i tell you to stay away

so what do you do

add him on msn

n flirt like fuck

hes sittin there askin if you have a cam n everythin

do you know how that feels?

do you?

obviously fucking not

you realise he likes you kinda now?

thanks, thanks a lot for breaking my fucking heart

i told you i love him for fuck sake

doesnt that mean a thing to you?
dont i mean a thing to you?

thanks for throwing my trust right back in my face

youve got me in fucking tears

ugh


he said it coz he was drunk


great that


fuckin' great

what the actual fuck


what is he trying to do to me

are all guys this way?

am i ever gonna find a guy who wont hurt me?



Kevin... Slash says:
come through livi?

     I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
aye im gona come to livi at 2 im the mornin ¬_¬

Kevin... Slash says:
i dont see why not

     I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
em...theres no buses

     I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
n i have to be up at 9

Kevin... Slash says:
make it worth ur while;)

     I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
lol how?

Kevin... Slash says:
2 guess's

I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
booze?

Kevin... Slash says:
mmm n sex if u come

I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
awwww
yoov made me want to now

I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
but i cant

I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
y would yoo want to shag me anyway? lol

Kevin... Slash says:
because im drunk

Kevin... Slash says:
and quuite frankly horny

Kevin... Slash says:
come through

I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
aw thanks

I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
so yed only shag me if ye were drunk

Kevin... Slash says:
na i would

Kevin... Slash says:
i would anyway

Kevin... Slash says:
ahhh

I wanna hurt you just to hear you    screamin'        my     name     says:
aye but why would ye if ye dont even like me that way

Kevin... Slash says:
i do in a way

Kevin... Slash says:
bit i'll brb me n tamo goin for a wander x


what the fuck does "i do in a way" mean

n i dont know if hes sayin it coz hes drunk or not

i wish i wasnt so fucking obssessed

then i wouldnt let him do this to me

but i cant help it
i really cant